Flirting in the real world is confusing. How do you know if that special someone is checking you out or if they suffer from astigamatism? It’s impossible. The early stages of flirting is all about winks, gestures and tricks with marachino cherries. You can’t go up to someone and talk to them without passing through the winking stage.

When you do move onto the speaking part of flirting things can become even more confusing.

Is she a mumbler or is she choking on a cherry stem?

Questions such as “Are you drooling over me or do you need the heimlich maneuver?” are too easily misconstrued when you’re out on the prowl. Thanks to the Internet we no longer have to suffer through such difficult situations.

• Digital winks win
  Just like in the real world you shouldn’t start your online flirting with words. No one reads anway. Start with a nice, simple wink. Go to the profile of the person you want to online flirt with and click that “wink” or “like” or “butt slap” button.
• Where is the butt slap button?
  Every site has a hidden butt slap button. Find it and slap it. I saw it in a movie once. These guy slapped these lady butts and the ladies loved it. He was a really interesting guy. In one scene he was a plumber and in another he was a pizza delivery guy.
• Send a pic
  Put your pants back on. It’s not that kind of pic. Send him or her not a pic of your genitals but of something more attractive than your genitals. A sunset, a kitten, a boat. Or go crazy and send a pic of a kitten sailing off into the sunset.
• Now onto the words
  Since most of society has become illiterate stick to simple words when you message your future ex. The more guttural sounding the words the better. Guttural sounding words are sexy. Uh yo. Cat pic. Hit me back.
• Time for the reply
  You played digital winks, butt slapped, kitten pic’d and grunted into their inbox. It worked. The object of your affection wrote back. Now I’m going to share my ultimate secret to the online dating game. Normally I only share this secret with attendees at my seminar, “Online dating and death”, but I’m willing to share this secret with you today. Why you? You know why. You’re special. Just like momma said.OK, brace yourself. Your reply needs to short and sweet but also provide an air of aloofness and a touch of playing hard to get. The reply is one word only. One word that says it all. That word is “Unsubscribe.”

Thanks for reading “The top 5 secrets of online flirting”. Feel free share to your own tips. Mine haven’t worked at all.

I’m gonna die alone aren’t I?