What is this?

In mid 2010 I was struggling with the New York City dating scene. A friend, I’ll call him Jack, swore to me that online dating was the only way to do it. He told me that he had a profile and was getting a date with a different girl every night of the week.

For his profile picture he used a shot of the back of his head. I made him turn around so I could get a good look. Nothing special back there. I figured my face looks at least as good as the back of his head so this should be easy for me. Then again Jack also listed on his profile that he is an Ivy League educated attorney with a six figure income.

I created a profile and spent the next week reading tons of profiles of potential female dates. All of them said the same thing.

  • They live in Brooklyn
  • Love bike riding, coffee, NPR, yoga, and their passport
  • Have a sense of humor/love to laugh

If you need to say that you have a sense of humor or that you love to laugh you actually don’t. Odds are you as enjoyable as a visit to the free clinic.

I’ve sent hundreds of queries to test this theory out.

The “Online Dating Intro Letters” were all sent.

1 thought(s) on “What is this?

  • Hi George! (or whatever your name is). I thought I’d respond because it looks like you need the, uh, responses.

    By ‘contact us’ you mean ‘contact me’, right? I find the ‘us’ in ‘us’ never really is a multiple of humans, but just one lonely person, spending far too much time in front of a glowing screen, attempting to interact with the world in the only way that still seems possible, now that we’ve all been scared to death of terrorists and other such reprobates.

    First off, let me divulge that I’m probably twice your age. So don’t get your hopes up unless you’ve a lot of frequent flyer miles (me being 3000 miles away) and you have a GMFILTF (grandmother figure I’d like to fuck) fetish. Actually, I met a guy like that once, who did, and it was wonderful. Almost the highlight of my now, 11 year online dating, attempt to amuse myself. But I digress.

    I see your problem. You’re attempting to be funny but the mark is rather hard to hit, on line and all. Better to either pretend to graduate from law school with a 6 figure income and invest in one good suit to complete the illusion, or start doing the comedy club circuit and make mental notes of the women who laugh the most at your material. It will help when you achieve the status of say, Robin Williams, Bill Hicks or George Carlin and thus are presumed to be rich, but in the meantime, you can work on honing your material. A good writer or three, a lot of practice heckling hecklers, pacing the stage and actually getting laughs, and you’ll make a mint. I’m sure. And not the minty breath-freshener kind, but the Philadelphia, New York, Denver kind.

    Here’s some advice, if you actually get to the point of a date. Wait, first, before the date. Never bother with the good looking, ‘hot’, ‘girls gone wild’ types. They get hit on all the time and are rife with the impression that it will always be thus. Little do they know that in a few short years, the tits will get saggy, the butt will enlarge, and what little intellect they were blessed with will devolve into something no one would want to breed with. Besides, they’re no fun to talk to. They have too many girlfriends, all of whom will know 5 minutes after the fact how lousy you were in bed, which you don’t want.

    Go for the plain girl, the slightly chubby one (YMMV here, but like Ben Franklin said, ‘she’ll be so grateful’. ) And, you might actually be able to have a real relationship with her, not a shallow I-Phone ringing-filled pseudo relationship that’s doomed to failure because you’re not ‘perfect’ and she’s an idiot.

    Well, that’s probably enough for now. I’m not sure why I felt compelled to write, but it seemed you needed the hug, electronic or not. Cheer up, your friend the ‘lawyer’ is only getting dates every few weeks, not every night. He lies. Or he’s already contracted herpes. Either way.

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