online dating letter #35

She wanted someone who was gorgeous, but not too attractive.

Hi,

I’m gorgeous yet not too attractive. I think it has something to do with half of my body being made out of cups of dirt. From the right angle I look good, but when I turn… cups of dirt.

I don’t need a crochet t-shirt, but you could make one for my grandfather. You two have probably shared a huff or two of glue while placing dollar bets on “Combat Boots” and “Thin Ankles, Thick Legs, How Does a Horse Stand?”. He’s a nice man but smells of violent decay. I put up with him because I’ve been living off of his Social Security checks for years. And his couch. I think it’s a couch. Are couches meant to be crunchy?

Why do you eat chocolate out of your underwear?

Cheers

I wouldn’t have responded either. Frankly, I’m surprised she didn’t alert the authorities after receiving this message.

About Author: anthony

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