She had a long list of questions that should all be answered in the affirmative before contacting her. And she is not a fan of Kerouac, worries about zombies and wants to learn how to pick locks.

Hi,

I hate On the Road. The Beats needed to be beaten with something that would have stopped them from producing such drivel. No, it was their audiences that needed to be corralled and launched into outer space. They’d go for it if it was sold as a mind expanding journey of enlightenment of cosmic proportion that originated with… oh who the hell has the patience to talk to those bastards?

Hi again.

I hope you are fully stocked up for the zombie apocalypse because it’s already here. Have you ever been on the subway during rush hour? I’ve seen happier people being marched off to the electric chair. I’ve not seen the death march except in movies with Tom Hanks and he makes everything seem like the wonderful world of Disney (borderline creepy and slightly fascistic).

Before I conclude, I can teach you how to pick locks. It came in handy during a brutal winter.

Lastly, here are my answers to your second paragraph as to whether or not I should message you. Ready? Good.
Yes, yes, yes, no, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, no, yes, no, no, sort of, no, no, yes, no, yes, no, hell no, depends on the particulars, yes, no, no, yes, yes, hell no, not sure, yes, damn straight.

Thanks for allowing me to invade your inbox.

Cheers

She didn’t respond which is a bunch of horse shit because I answered all of her goddamn questions and was going to introduce her to a life of crime.

Online dating is making me bitter and creepy.